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This is frustrating.
UUUUGGGHHHHH. You people make my life complicated when I don't want it to be.
As far as school goes, I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I'm so behind, I'm afraid of the grades I'm going to get, I'm afraid of being killed by my mother, I'm afraid of a lot of things.
I know- cast your cares on the Lord....
But sometimes I screw it all up myself and then feel so.... awful.
Like NOW.
My life is a mess at the moment. But I still have my happy face up- I learned that trick well. | | |
| Chris:
Jessica said that she was too lazy to make her own xanga, and she would rarely use it anyway- but that the only best way to express heartfelt emotion online IS through here  . So...all that to say, the following letter is for you, from her::
Chris,
It's funny how timing works. Ours was never...on. It was just a bit off.
I think a lot of that was my fault. I'm sorry I could never be exactly who I claimed to be..
I'm not even sure who that is. I started something.... and then never finished it. I'm so sorry...
If you ever asked me to explain it-- I'd say I felt that connection, too. It wasn't quite friendship, but not quite love. It was... I don't even know. I gave up trying a long time ago. I guess that's when I stopped trying to have an "us". I didn't want to have to try to figure it out anymore. Giving up didn't work. I still felt it, that connection.
I wish I could have been brave. I wish you could have been brave. I wish we could have been brave. Because, maybe then, I'd have a word for what you are to me. But I don't. And at this point, I never will. I wanted so bad to force the pieces together, and it hurt when they didn't. It hurt every time you talked about someone else- even during the simply friendship times-- and I never figured out why.
But...
I know it's how it was supposed to happen, Chris. I know that we weren't supposed to end up together. I value your friendship more than anything else, which is why I continue to randomly call or text or email-- or whatever. Every now and then I just miss you like crazy. And yes, I still feel the same way I did, but it's become more and more a friendship oriented connection. Does that even make sense? It does in my head-- but I suck at putting it into words right now. Like, I want you to be happy. I want you to complete your puzzle. I just want to remain a piece- not in the love part of the picture, but in the forever friends corner.
I love you... just... in a different way than I thought I did. No-- different than the way I thought I would.
Different... but the Same.
FF,
Jessica
Listening to: Cameron Jaymes. (You spelled his name wrong. He's good, though. And cute haha. I knew there was a reason I liked him at the concert) | | |
| Dang. Xanga is almost gone completely.
I'm a horrible updater, as I've mentioned quite a few times--
But I just got out of an Italian quiz (which I think I did pretty well on!!) and I don't have piano today-- so I have an hour and a half until choir.
I started at OU about a month ago, and I'm loving it up here. Granted, music theory is kicking my freaking butt. I'm working really hard at it, so maybe it will get a little bit easier if I just don't give up!
Last night I had a bit of a breakdown because I was so stressed out, but a friend called to see if I was okay, and then I read through a few verses... and you know what? It helped a lot. As did paradigm- the worship service I got to on thursday nights. Worship just lifts my spirit, so I was glad to take a break from studying to head over there!
So this weekend is going to be wonderful, no lie  Tonight, I'm headed out to the BSU freshman retreat! I can't wait-- I've heard amazing things about it. And then tomorrow I've got the OU/Oregon watch party at 1ish. It will be a chance for me to meet a few people, and hang out with some other absolutely wonderful BSU kids. I really adore the people I've met already. I mean, wow.
Tomorrow night I'm going country dancing out at the Arbuckle Ballroom!! I am so excited! I hope my sister is coming That would be swell. There's a big group of us going, so it should be pretty fun.
Speaking of ballrooms.. if you didn't know, I'm taking ballroom dance. It's my favorite class, creepy boys and all. there are quite a few weird guys who ask me to dance, but I guess that goes along with any sort of paired class you know. I think I'm going to join the Sooner Ballroom club, too. A couple of my friends are in the intermediate one and they love it- so I'll give it a shot  . Last week, I got part of my toe busted during the Tango! That was not fun, but my next partner was a good dancer, and nice enough not to step on me hahaha!
You know, the more and more I'm up here on my own, the more I realize that if I don't have faith, then my world comes crashing down. I can try to have the answers, and to do things my way... but it fails. I'm having to grow stronger in my walk, because my faith gets tested way more than it did in high school, by people who try to tell me I'm wrong. I wont lie, there are times when I question what I believe.. but as I heard one time, if you question truth, you end up with truth! So when I've had doubts, my heart always winds back up in God's hands, trusting him more than I did before. I found this beautiful passage a couple weeks ago that just hit me hard. I struggle so so much with inadequacy. It's the point that you say "I'm a failure".
I AM a failure.
But God lifts me up! Habakkuk 3:17-19
"Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no here in the stalls--
Yet I will rejoice i the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation!
The Lord God is my strength;
He will make my feet like deers feet,
And He will make me walk on my high hills!
To the Chief Musician. With my stringed instruments."
How much better could it be?
When all else fails:
When our friends desert us,
When we are broke,
When we are dumped,
When we fail that test we studied for,
When we are broken and have think we have fallen from His arms..
Rejoice! He will lift us up!!
I don't know about you.. but that's pretty exciting to me.
*Janelle
Eph. 3:20-21
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| My stupid xanga stopped working basically.
It keeps pulling up that I need an "active X control"
which sucks cuz I like the journal part of this WAY better than myspace. But I can't get on it from my computer. Hopefully I can once I get my laptop set up.
Until we meet again, leave me love, and I'll leave you with some cute pictures of my sister and I from graduation You know you likey.  <--aw
 <---EAST SIDE, GHETTO PRIDE!
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| So, for some reason, my computer is being a dumbface and wont let me get on Xanga.
I had this fab entry written out for Easter, but it wouldn't let me sign in, and now I can't remember what it said.
Ughh. Oh well. For now, hit up my myspace- I'll work on fixing this.
I lovvve youuu guyyyss.
<5 Janelle
Oh yeah. I was watching Pretty Woman and I found this line I'd forgotten. I love it. They're lying in bed and he asks her how she became a prostitute. She's telling him about her life::
Vivian- "People put you down enough, you start to believe it."
Edward -"I think you are a very bright, very special woman."
Vivian-"The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?"
Oh baby, I've noticed.
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